And Now Everyone Laughed
by Sinical-Sarchasm
Summary: Hermione has a best friend, but it's not Harry or Ron. Who is it? Even Hermione's reluctant to admit it to Harry and Ron. Read to find out for yourself! Review too!


A.N.: Hermione having this best friend is sort of modeled after me...hehe. Quite insane, very stupid, and immensely pointless, but oh well. Anyway, please read and REVIEW! I live off reviews!!! 

Disclaimer: I'm J.K. Rowling. I'm j/k. 

***

Hermione was helping Harry and Ron on their boring Transfiguration homework late at night in the Gryffindor commonroom. Suddenly, Ron slapped his textbook and homework down on the desk and, frustration clear in his voice, yelled emphatically, "I hate this homework!" 

Harry grinned. "So do I, but come on, Hermione's helping us, something we probably won't get during passing between Potions and Transfiguration. Let's just do it." 

Hermione sighed. "Honestly, It's not exactly the most fun thing for me, but hey, you're my friends. But dang, I wish my best friend was here! She could help us so much!" 

"Erm...Herm?" Harry said, "I thought we WERE your best friends." 

Hermione looked at him strangely as though this was the most strange thought she'd ever heard from him or, for that matter, from anyone else. "Of course you guys aren't! I mean, that's not to be mean, 'cuz you guys are really nice and you're very good friends of mine, but neither of you are my BEST friend!" 

Harry looked at her curiously. "If were not then...tell me about your best friend, Hermione. I'm curious." 

"Well, she's white, and she's plastic..." Hermione began. She couldn't believe that Harry and Ron didn't know about her best friend. I mean, her best friend was so important to her...but I guess we all forget to tell some things, even things to our good friends. 

"You mean your best friend is BRITNEY SPEARS?????" Harry said in a huge state of shock. "That's so...not Hermione! I mean, I can recognize that you aren't just a big book who has no life, but still, Britney Spears?" 

"You think my best friend is BRITNEY SPEARS?????" Hermione said. "I can't believe you would say a thing like that about me! I mean, Jesus! I may make a few stupid choices now and then, but to become best friends, or friends at all, with BRITNEY SPEARS?" 

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Harry said, looking overwhelmed. "But who else is white and plastic but Britney?" 

Ron's eyes were squinted into a confused look, making his face look oddly like Brock's. [Hehe, just had to put that one in...I have a friend who is obsessive over Pokemon, so I here all that stuff.] "Uh, Harry, Herm?" he said, in that quiet voice you could always identify as a confused, clueless person's. "Who in the is this Britney Spears girl you two are talking about?" 

Hermione said quickly, "Just this stupid, almost-stripper muggle singer named Britney who's white and plastic. But not in the same way as I'm talking about." 

"Wait...if your friend who's white and plastic isn't Britney, who could it be?" Harry was totally clueless like Ron now. 

"She's NOT a human," Hermione said impatiently, as though any fool would know that. "She's --" 

Again, Harry interrupted. "Not a human? You mean to say...no, that can't be...your best friend is BARBIE?????" 

This time Ron wasted no time to inquire, "Who's Barbie?" 

"Just this annoying Muggle Doll," Hermione said quickly. "And no, Harry, my best friend is NOT Barbie! My best friend is --" 

"Wait. You're telling me you have a white and plastic best friend who is NOT Britney Spears and NOT Barbie??? Then who the heck IS she???" 

"Give me some time and maybe I'd be able to tell you!" Hermione was getting angry. "If you would stop making ridiculous, unfounded accusations of me being the best friend of Britney Spears and Barbie, which, I might tell you, are very offensive to me, I might actually be able to give you the straight story. Really! Saying that I'm Britney Spears' and Barbie's best friend! I don't think I can take these insults any more! No, I'm going to bed!" 

Harry looked at Ron. "Someone's got a temper," he commented. 

"Yeah," agreed Ron. "But I really wish you didn't have to go saying she was Britney Beers and Barney --" 

"Britney SPEARS and Barbie's," Harry said, choking back laughter, especially regarded the Britney Beers. 

"Whatever," Ron continued. "I wish you didn't say anything. We wouldn't have to actually work to do our Transfiguration assignments...AND we could have figured out who this alleged best friend is." 

"Maybe she doesn't exist," Harry mused. "Maybe Herm's just making it up." 

"Maybe," came Parvati's voice from the girl's dorm to their right, "or maybe not!" 

_*Meanwhile*_

Hermione huffily climbed up the stairs to her dorm room that she shared with Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown. The two were as usual, still up. This time they were putting nail polish on one another's feet. Hermione sighed. They were always doing things like that...who was going to look at their feet during December anyway? They'd be hidden in shoes, or at least so Hermione would hope for their health. 

Those two were so ditzy. She could see them being best friends with Britney Spears or Barbie. But saying that SHE could? She couldn't believe Ron or Harry would do something like that. Of all the nerve! 

Parvati looked up for a moment before going back to Lavender's nails. Without looking up again, Parvati mumbled, "Why the bad mood, Herm?" 

Hermione near-shouted, rage evident in her normally controlled voice, "I told them that my best friend was white and plastic, and Harry speculated that it could potentially be Britney Spears or Barbie!" 

Lavender giggled. "I wish one of them could be my best friend...especially Britney...gee, if someone had that high opinion of me I'd be flattered." 

"Yeah, me too," Parvati agreed, giggling. "Anyway, who is it?" 

Hermione, bored with it all, told them. 

And they giggled hysterically. 

They heard Harry's voice: "Maybe she doesn't exist. Maybe Herm's just making it up." 

Still giggling Parvati yelled to them, "Maybe...or maybe not!" 

_*The Next Day*_

The three were trudging to Potions. Harry and Ron were hysterically trying to finish their Transfiguration homework that was due the period afterwards that Hermione was helping them with until she'd gotten so mad about the "accusations." Harry looked up momentarily and said casually, "So, Hermione, you still haven't told us about this best friend." 

"Darn right I haven't," Hermione said, glaring at them, "And don't think I'm about to either!" 

"You say you're not going to?" Ron said, a mischievous grin playing across his face. "But would you still say that if I were to threaten to tell all of the potions class that your best friend was white and plastic if you didn't tell me?" 

A look of horror suddenly came over Hermione. She hated things like this...she'd had enough with all of Rita Skeeter's articles. "You wouldn't!" she said, staring at Ron. "You wouldn't do something like that to me...would you?" 

"Not usually," Ron admitted, "But just now, I think I might. I mean, alone you not telling me your best friend wouldn't make me do something like that, but you also didn't help me with my Transfiguration homework after you left, so..." Ron left the last few words hanging in the air. 

"Oh fine..." said Hermione, sadly and resignedly. "I can't believe you're making me do this." All the while, Harry and Ron were grinning at each other, and Hermione realized how desperately they really wanted to know this. Stupid, really, she thought, but boys will be boys. 

"But you've gotta promise not to tell ANYONE," Hermione warned. "Everybody would laugh at me if they knew. I'd be SO embarrassed. I mean, Rita Skeeter was bad enough, but this..." her voice trailed off. 

"We promise, we promise," Harry and Ron chorused as they walked on. "Just tell us and stop dragging it on! The suspense is going to kill us!" 

"Well, all right," Hermione said. As she prepared to tell them, a dreamy look spread over Hermione's normally down-to-earth expression. She envisioned it...every part of it...oh how she wanted to go home to come back to it...she usually could forget about it in the midst of all the fun and excitement here at Hogwarts, but sometimes when she thought about it, she just couldn't help it and broke down to the huge cravings that she had had at first when she came to Hogwarts. 

The first few months at Hogwarts had been so hard and sad. She'd been pulled deep into depression and even had thought about running away to Hogwarts to go home to be with it. Anyway, she was getting off track. She had to tell Harry and Ron now, not daydream about it. 

"See, my best friend is this really cool thing," Hermione began to say. "I really love it, because I can do a lot of great things with it." 

"Ew, that doesn't sound right!" said Ron, wrinkling his nose. 

"You have a seriously sick mind," said Hermione, shaking her head. 

"It takes a sick mind to figure those things out," Ron said. 

"Are you implying that MY mind is sick??" Hermione said. "It takes a way sicker one to think of these things!" 

"Whatever," said Harry. "Just let Herm tell us!" 

"Okay, okay," Ron said. "You don't have to blow up at me like that, Harry. I was just having a thought!" 

"And a very sick one at that," Hermione said, disgusted. "Anyway, like I was saying. It's a very wonderful thing. You can just do so MUCH on it! Very addictive, too. I love writing to friends on it and then sending the messages and then checking for their messages, and there was this really cool place I could go to on it where I got to read people's stories about books and give them reviews. I always reviewed. [Hint, hint.] I also wrote my own fics and put them up in this place. And I could do research and there were so many really cool places to go. And then there was this really cool game I always played with this thing." 

The three then entered Potions, but Hermione didn't notice because she was so excited about this happy thing she was talking about. Her speech had grown very fast and high in volume, as it always became when she got excited and Hermione, unaware of her recent entry into class, announced to the whole, mixed Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw-Slytherin-Gryffindor, class, "My best friend is definitely my beautiful, white, plastic, nice, happy, Apple Macintosh computer." 

And now everyone laughed. 

_*Finis*_


End file.
